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It's also possible that the walls began emanating very loud techno music. Threesomes aren't the sort of thing you forget, yet somehow hers had slipped my mind.

But now I remembered. Oh, did I. I sat down on the bed and stared at the television. Apparently some men were playing a game with sticks and balls and bright costumes.

Let's go. She'd told me years ago about her college threesome. I think she had even told me who was involved. I just hadn't done the math - my imagination hadn't yet marshaled the resources necessary for rendering her, with them , doing whatever sort of bedroom acrobatics they managed to pull off.

That, obviously, was about to change. Whether I liked it or not, I was about to meet two people who have also, I can only presume, brought my girlfriend to orgasm.

At the church, wedged in an ergonomically incorrect wooden pew, I tried to entertain myself by checking out the crowd, but inevitably I started making a mental list of which guests the happy couple had probably orgied with.

At least half of the bridal party, I was sure of that. Oh, and the officiant. And that dude who works at the coffee shop down the street.

And the blind guy with the dog. Finally, not a moment too soon, the groom hit the carpet. He was wearing a low-key tux, glasses, and much facial hair.

He looked like the guy you call at work when your computer can't connect to the network. My girlfriend whispered in my ear that he really likes baseball statistics.

That'd be two things we have in common, I guess. The threesome was never something she tried to hide. On our first date, after listening to my theory on threesomes - if you don't have one by age 30, you never will - she grinned that grin that made me instantly realize she could add something insightful to the discourse.

Turns out, while I had a theory, she'd had a threesome. But then she softened the blow: "If we're still together when you turn 30, we might just have to make that happen.

If reality stumbles when you learn that your girlfriend has had a threesome, it falls flat when you come face-to-face with the other parts of her carnal equation.

The last time we were "intimate. I wasn't at my best. Let's just leave it at that. That porn film from last week. The women's names were Chastity and Sandi.

The guy didn't have a name or any body hair - just a penis that could be used for logrolling at the Great Outdoor Games. They lapped at him hungrily.

That imaginary place in the brain where I am omnipotent, able to see all events, past, present, and future, even events at which I was not present.

In this place, Sandi is the bride, Chastity is my girlfriend, and both of them are lapping Guy with No Body Hair hungrily.

This is not a fun place for the brain to go. It was one of those unconventional, nonreligious weddings, and there was no buildup to the bride's arrival.

She just sort of meandered onto the carpet, sans makeup, wearing pants pants! It might actually have been made from deer hides.

I saw the bride as a grad student strumming a guitar, letting her long, blonde hair grow into thick dreadlocks. I saw her eschewing shoes for an entire summer.

I saw her stripped naked, straddling my girlfriend, while her future husband. In another world, one in which I'm more like Mister Logroller than Mister Rogers, I might have mustered the balls to turn to my girlfriend and ask, "Was it miserable?

Was it exciting? Was it too good? Do you wish life was still like it was back then, when you could have threesomes with your friends and chuckle it off the next day, instead of dealing with a whimpering boyfriend who complains that it's been 3 days since he's gotten laid?

And the fact is, no matter how ribald the worst-case scenarios in my head, they're much less terrifying than actually knowing what happened.

The ceremony was very matter-of-fact; it took only about 5 minutes. It was clearly just a formality in the bride and groom's book, an inconvenience even.

Everyone clapped as they left the chapel, and I noticed that my girlfriend had a single tear rolling down her cheek. That's when it hit me: They'd all moved on.

The happy couple had thank-you letters to write, junk mail to discard, sections of the New Yorker to pretend to read - in short, lives to go back to, lives that were moving forward.

Like my girlfriend, they didn't think about that threesome anymore, much less talk about it. They'd filed away their own reports on the incident long ago, ones that involved a lot more fumbling and confusion than logrolling and money shots.

But then, what of my girlfriend's promise? As we made our way to the reception, I started thinking about my sexual past. Good times, for sure. I'd rate it a 6, maybe a 7, on a scale of 1 to A threesome would bump me to a 9, maybe all the way to a And yet, the prospect wasn't triggering a Pavlovian response.

Instead, I started thinking about the complicated logistics. I have this girlfriend, and we have a history, and a future, too.

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Right, he wouldn't have to know. But next month we're going to see a play with her grand-parents. How uncomfortable would that be? The reception was lovely.

Heartfelt toasts, crying family members, a cake that was taller than anyone not wearing heels. My girlfriend and I made our way to our table and ate that preprocessed wedding food that never quite tastes right.

I met old friends, I told harmless ingratiating jokes, and I even danced with a flower girl. Ultimately, the bride and groom made it over to our table.

They were extremely nice people - gregarious, funny, and unassuming. He didn't look like a logroller, her name didn't end with an i, and neither looked ready to rev up an orgy at the end of the night.

They looked satisfied, exhausted, and very much in love. So, about that 30th birthday. My girlfriend threw me a party at a Mexican restaurant, where a man named Juan gave me flan and a sombrero.

We chased margaritas with tequila shots and went home tipsy. As we walked through the door, I couldn't help but scan the apartment. Just me and her.

She went into the bedroom to change, while I grabbed a bottle of champagne. I'd been in this exact place before, in my brain, and had pulled three flutes from the cabinet.

But tonight, two seemed just right. I swung around. I know how you really wanted one. I had wanted one. It was a very, very nice digital camera.

And so I set the bottle down on the kitchen table, snapped a few pictures of her, took off her clothes, and, for 7 solid minutes, rolled some goddamned logs.

She farted. A cop knocked on the window of the '84 Camaro. Consider these cringe-worthy moments sexual icebreakers.

Sex is never perfect, and the easier it is to laugh off the rough edges - past, present, or future - the better sex you'll have with each other.

Tried sex toys? Starred in a home video? Engaged in an all-night, all-nude sorority pillow fight? One caveat: Keep the sharing about the sex - setting, position, season - not the ex.

That way you'll avoid making comparisons. And then you'll never sleep right again. And so did you. So stay away from statistics.

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